First of all, let me just apologise for not writing the past while. To be honest, things have been really good and I find it so hard to write when I'm not feeling down because my emotions and thoughts are actually stable for once. I've gotten some really good news recently and let's just say I have been on a high ever since. All will be revealed in the coming weeks, I promise!
So, today after having some time alone I decided to come on here and explain why I haven't been writing and while I was thinking, I had this thought. This good feeling won't last forever. Which isn't a bad thing, nobody is happy all of the time but it got me thinking that nothing actually lasts forever. Instead of sitting here thinking about how my good feelings won't last I thought to myself how quickly I got over my bad feeling when I was down for a few days and felt so alone. When we go through them times of darkness it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel (I know, such a cliché thing to say) but we always pull through. Within a couple of days I went from being in a bad mood, anxious and depressed to this unbelievable feeling of love and support. I always give out about my parents and how they never supported me but I should be focusing on the people that do! My brother, sister, best friend and partner have all been there for me for so long but when I was down I couldn't focus on the good people in my life only the bad.
What I'm trying to say is when we are going through those times where our anxiety is at a high or we feel guilty remember those people who love you exactly the way you are. Those times when you feel alone and replay conversations in your head and get embarrassed or even just feel like a bad person, remember those people who are by your side and there's a reason for it. These people have supported you for so long and sometimes you wonder why? Its because people can see the amazing person you are and know that you have been with them through thick and thin and that's just the type of people we are. We can be the best advice givers in the world even if we won't follow our own. We sit and listen because we want people to do the same. We put others before ourselves because we want that in return. We love with all our hearts and it's because we are waiting to find that someone that will love us the very same way. Love us through our hard days and our good ones.
Stop focusing on those who left us and remember the ones who are still here with open arms every time we feel alone.
Again, sorry for not posting I will try post at least once a week!
Every time I look in the mirror I have so many self destructive thoughts. I wonder what people see in me and is it as bad as what I see? Yet, people tell me I have so much positive energy about me, I’m so outgoing and full of confidence and it’s what gives me the strength to keep on going. It makes me realise people don’t see the horrible things I see but when they say such nice things I feel like there describing somebody else.
I always feel like I’m not good enough and I know I’m not the only one that feels that way and do you know what ? That’s not true! I feel like I’m not good enough in my job, in my relationship, to my best friend and my closest family but why ? Nobody has ever given me reasons to feel this way and that’s why we need to remember: it’s all in our minds. Our mind can do some crazy things which involves spiraling off into some made up stories that WE make up and then we can’t help but think they are true. There can be times that I want to just stay at home all day and read and if someone asks me to do something I jump up and do it because I don’t want to deal with the guilt of letting them down and not being good enough of a person for them. How crazy is that ? Our happiness is in our hands yet we place it somebody else’s hands time after time.
We are prisoners of our own minds constantly telling us we are useless and no good but we need to stop for a minute and think. We are interesting, caring, and sometimes overly loving human beings and what the hell is wrong with that ? We are the most accepting non judgemental characters on this earth and we are beautiful. Our crazy minds and irrational made up stories we tend to believe is just something that makes us that little bit different and who said being different was boring ? Nobody ever. Love yourself always because sometimes we are too good not just good enough.
Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. To be honest, I think I use it as a coping mechanism. I believe that, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now in life even if I’m not happy right now at the moment, I know this is the way it’s supposed to be. I think if my parents didn’t treat me the way they did I wouldn’t be such a strong headed person. There are so many small decisions we make in life that can turn our whole world around and it’s all about taking risks and sometimes, making mistakes.
As you all know, I suffer with anxiety and I genuinely think it’s to make me better as a person. If I didn’t suffer with this, I wouldn’t have such a passion for psychology, I wouldn’t be so curious as to why my mind is the way it is. I want to help other people overcome this as I battle it myself. If I had kind, loving and supportive parents, I think I wouldn’t suffer with anxiety and I would be completely opposite to the way I am now. I have been let down so many times in life by people and it has only made me stronger. Yes, I have put up a wall that people would rather avoid than break down and see what is behind that wall which is me. I’m behind that wall, the real me who has nothing but love to give but in saying that, the wall has stopped the wrong people from entering my life and tearing me down even more than my parents already have.
If you ever question why you are going through a situation in life, why that person won’t text you back or why you feel let down all the time just remember it’s for a reason. The reason will be clear to you eventually but don’t ever feel like these things just happen because your a bad person, because your not! They are life lessons that will only teach us in the end. Everybody is on their own journey in life and horrible things are happening to all of us but in the end you will see the reason because there always is one.
If there is any advice I could give to anybody reading this who suffers with depression or anxiety it would be to take care of YOURSELF! Too often we tend to forget about ourselves because we are so worried about other people and making sure we help them because we know if we don’t, the feeling of guilt will tear us down. It’s in our nature to look after everybody else and put ourselves last.
This weekend I didn’t really write and it’s because I was too busy treating myself. For the the first time in a very long time I was genuinely happy and I realised the reason why was that I had bought myself new clothes and booked in to get my hair done. Today, I looked in the mirror and smiled looking at my new clothes and my new hair. It felt good! It was mainly because I took time for myself instead of planning my time around everybody else.
I’ve been killing it at the gym lately so I felt I deserved a little treat so why not buy myself something that makes me feel good. Speaking of the gym, I would highly recommend excercise for people who are feeling anxious or depressed. It takes you out of your comfort zone and completely takes your mind off any of those little worries that your mind turns into BIG worries that don’t even exist. It’s the only time I don’t think about anything and it works a lot for me. Other people recommend driving alone because it means concentrating on just the road and nothing else but whatever works for you, everybody is different.
I know this feeling won’t last long but for now it’s good. We all need to spend a bit more time on ourselves and doing things that make us happy and everybody has those things. If you feel like you don’t have time, make time! Your happiness is important and your not responsible for anybody else’s happiness so stop feeling guilty if you can’t do things for others.
Love yourself, you are so important to so many people. DONT FORGET THAT.
Is she though ? Then why do I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart every time you mention her name. Should your partners “friends” make you feel that way ? Or am I just being paranoid? I can have different opinions on this friend on different days depending on how I’m feeling. A good day can go a little like this…
On a good day
She’s a nice girl and he really likes her. I wonder would we get along ? Maybe not she’s a lot older than me but looks well for her age. I hope I can care about myself at that age. She seems to really like him as a friend too they talk a lot and she is always asking him for favours as friends do. He has told me stories about her telling lies to her husband but that doesn’t mean she’s unfaithful or would consider being unfaithful. I don’t like liars so I hope she isn’t telling him lies. He said they are going out for a work night out soon. I hope he has a good time. Last time they went out he stayed out until 6am. He never does that with me. He must of been enjoying himself.
But when I’m on a bad day my thoughts don’t go quite as simple as that….
On a bad day
That bitch! She has him wrapped around her little finger he will do whatever she asks! She’s not even that nice. She tells LIES to her own husband how could she be nice ? All she wants is attention from other men and that’s it! He said there going on a “work” night out. Last time they went out he wasn’t home till all hours of the morning. He would never stay out that late with me. I must be boring to him. She better keep away he’s with me not her!
How can one person make you feel this way ? Keep in mind, I have met this woman and been on nights out with her and him. On one occasion she lost her coat and said she would kill him if he didn’t have it. Is it his job to carry her things for her ? To my disappointment he did have her coat. He minded her coat when he didn’t think twice about checking on me because on that same night he left me sitting alone while he went to look for his work friends which is her. He also said something that really gets me every time I replay it in my head, “she’s the only friend I have right now” well what am I ?? You might think I’m nuts but it hurts. Writing this right now is hurting. But why ?
She’s just a friend.
People are going to think I’m crazy here, but out of every day of the year today is my worst day. THE SUMMER SOLSTICE.
To many people it’s great! The longest day of the year where we can get as much sunshine as possible. Well, in Irelands case it’s usually raining like today. For me it marks the start of the dark nights. Which is when my anxiety is at its worst point. I know I won’t notice for a few months but it’s the thought of them that really gets me down. To me, it just means my anxiety is coming worse than it has been all year and it’s going to hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Id like to think this year it might be different but who am I kidding ? I just have to wait until the 21st of December when I know from then on the days only get longer which means less darkness to suffer with.
When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated.
I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”
Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child.
My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.
So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents.
I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.
I hear the saying “take the good with the bad” a lot of the time where I work. I work in a Bookies and believe me there can be a lot of good and bad in that place! But I heard it today and it got me thinking that sometimes that’s actually how my brain works.
I can be the most reasonable and understanding person you will ever meet. I accept everybody for who they are because you know, that’s who they are. I’m passionate about everything I do. For example I hate my job but I’m bloody well good at it! I will always put in 100% and go that extra mile for customers and my colleagues. I will love you until there is no more love in me left to give. Love is so powerful and I believe there is nothing wrong with giving as much of it as I can when I can. You can trust me with anything. I’m loyal. I’m selfless. I am a very good listener. I get excited helping people, it’s what gives me the will to keep on pushing myself to my career (psychologist). But then with all this good there is a lot of bad.
Sometimes, I can be very clingy to the point where it’s annoying. I am constantly afraid people are going to leave me that’s why I get like that which further more pushes people away. I don’t trust ANYBODY. I can’t. It’s not in me to trust people. I talk too much when I get nervous which leads me to getting a little light headed. I am too independent which makes it hard for me in relationships. I constantly beat myself up over not following my dreams. I will get there but I can’t help but make myself feel bad for not being there already. I need routine. If I’m slightly late or things are not going to plan I will start to freak out. I can’t be alone at night like literally cannot sleep because I think somebody is in my house trying to murder me.
In life, we have no choice to take the good with the bad which of course isn’t a bad thing but I sometimes think to myself what if the good stops coming ? To which I mean the good thoughts. What if I only start to think bad ? Does anybody else ever feel this way ?
Today was another one of those days that I fought with myself over why I should get out of the bed. I wanted to start this blog so people like me know they are not alone when it comes to that daily struggle of just living. That constant nervous feeling you get when you leave your house wondering “did I turn the cooker off” “is everything locked” and the classic “oh shit I definitely left the iron plugged in”. I have been on route to work and have turned back to make sure everything is off.
I was hoping to start this blog as a diary of someone who deals with anxiety every single day. I know that there is so many people out there who can relate.
Anyways enough babbling, this morning went a little like this…
Wow I’m so tired. Why did I stay up so late ? Anyway better get up and go the gym, kickstart the day with some excecise. I use excercise as an escape from everything so I try go as much as I can. Trust me it helps. Oh I just remembered I have work today 😩 better make the gym quick and get back to get ready. I HATE being late to anything. Least I get to see my friends in work so it’s not all bad. I’m so excited because I finally wrote my first blog last night. I’m actually really proud of myself. I never thought I would do it! I better leave the more time in the gym the better.
Oh my god I am so tired! I stayed up so late thinking about everything like always. Why am I so weird ? I want to be normal. Ughhhh and now I have to go to the stupid gym. I hate it so much I don’t even know why I go ? I can never change my ugly face in the gym. Stop pitying yourself and grow up! And I have work!! I hate my job I should just quit nobody I work with likes me. I must be so annoying to them. I’m so annoying to me so how can they put up with me ? I can’t stop thinking about the first blog I wrote last night. I am such a loser why would anyone want to read it ? Here you go again, give over with the self pity. Well, I better go to the gym so I can get back to go to work. I don’t have the energy to leave my bed right now but 5 more minutes might help ….
Shit I’m late for work I fell back asleep.
I wake up in the morning with not only one but two voices in my head. “Get up” “don’t move there is no point” and that’s how it all begins…
You see, for me and many of you reading this we are facing this daily struggle of getting out of the bed and I can’t help but think why ? There are so many beautiful things to see in this world but there’s always that voice that tells me “don’t bother”. I’m one person with two minds and it is a constant battle in my brain. I argue with myself ALL DAY. I have these irrational thoughts that tell me getting out of my bed means something bad might happen. Yep I said might which means chances of something bad happening are very slim and that’s what the rational voice tells me but the irrational voice is always there telling me there’s a chance. I could be the one who gets hit by a bus, gets caught up in a shooting or kidnapped. And yes I do laugh at these thoughts well the side of me that knows this is how a crazy person thinks but it’s the other voice that has the real hold over my whole body because I constantly struggle with the what ifs.
This is my first blog so I wanted to keep it short and simple. For people who do think like me I hope to help and share what we are all going through together in this world obsessed with the perfect body and how the amount of likes you get on social media determines who you are as a person wether your beautiful, popular, funny or cool because it doesn’t. I want to discuss the what ifs we are all afraid of and why we shouldn’t be afraid at all. I want to talk about the voices we all struggle with in our head that no matter how hard we try they won’t go away. This is actually the reason I started this blog, I’m currently in my bed since 10pm thinking, overthinking and worrying. It’s now 1am and the voices keep getting louder replaying all my conversations of this week and reminding me of things I said I would do but never started. These are the late night thoughts we are all facing EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.