How Childhood Caused My Anxiety

  
When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated. 

I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”

Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child. 

My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.

So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents. 

I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.

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22 Replies to “How Childhood Caused My Anxiety”

  1. Touching post.
    Regardless of your troubled past, you are you. Your parents brought you into this world, but you have the power to make it your own world. Don’t let depression/anxiety win. Trust me, I have a little bit of anxiety myself, so I understand. Focus on your happiness. You are here for a reason. For a purpose. Keep moving forward, and you will eventually find where you are supposed to be

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Im glad morals for u were not just facts that ur parents might have taught you but morals were those facts for u which helped u to find out the diffrence between right and wrong! The world needs a lot of people like u!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So interesting! I had wondered if my parents and family environment influenced my anxiety though I must admit I was never a child of neglect. They did the best they knew how and perhaps unknowingly just helped my anxiety it just a tad bit! I am sorry that you would have had a negative experiences growing up and glad to know that there were good influences in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment! Sometimes being over protected when your young can make you struggle when your older and out in the world alone .. I always think of my childhood as a lesson even if it was a bad one.

      Like

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