When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated.
I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”
Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child.
My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.
So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents.
I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.
I hear the saying “take the good with the bad” a lot of the time where I work. I work in a Bookies and believe me there can be a lot of good and bad in that place! But I heard it today and it got me thinking that sometimes that’s actually how my brain works.
I can be the most reasonable and understanding person you will ever meet. I accept everybody for who they are because you know, that’s who they are. I’m passionate about everything I do. For example I hate my job but I’m bloody well good at it! I will always put in 100% and go that extra mile for customers and my colleagues. I will love you until there is no more love in me left to give. Love is so powerful and I believe there is nothing wrong with giving as much of it as I can when I can. You can trust me with anything. I’m loyal. I’m selfless. I am a very good listener. I get excited helping people, it’s what gives me the will to keep on pushing myself to my career (psychologist). But then with all this good there is a lot of bad.
Sometimes, I can be very clingy to the point where it’s annoying. I am constantly afraid people are going to leave me that’s why I get like that which further more pushes people away. I don’t trust ANYBODY. I can’t. It’s not in me to trust people. I talk too much when I get nervous which leads me to getting a little light headed. I am too independent which makes it hard for me in relationships. I constantly beat myself up over not following my dreams. I will get there but I can’t help but make myself feel bad for not being there already. I need routine. If I’m slightly late or things are not going to plan I will start to freak out. I can’t be alone at night like literally cannot sleep because I think somebody is in my house trying to murder me.
In life, we have no choice to take the good with the bad which of course isn’t a bad thing but I sometimes think to myself what if the good stops coming ? To which I mean the good thoughts. What if I only start to think bad ? Does anybody else ever feel this way ?
Today was another one of those days that I fought with myself over why I should get out of the bed. I wanted to start this blog so people like me know they are not alone when it comes to that daily struggle of just living. That constant nervous feeling you get when you leave your house wondering “did I turn the cooker off” “is everything locked” and the classic “oh shit I definitely left the iron plugged in”. I have been on route to work and have turned back to make sure everything is off.
I was hoping to start this blog as a diary of someone who deals with anxiety every single day. I know that there is so many people out there who can relate.
Anyways enough babbling, this morning went a little like this…
Wow I’m so tired. Why did I stay up so late ? Anyway better get up and go the gym, kickstart the day with some excecise. I use excercise as an escape from everything so I try go as much as I can. Trust me it helps. Oh I just remembered I have work today 😩 better make the gym quick and get back to get ready. I HATE being late to anything. Least I get to see my friends in work so it’s not all bad. I’m so excited because I finally wrote my first blog last night. I’m actually really proud of myself. I never thought I would do it! I better leave the more time in the gym the better.
Oh my god I am so tired! I stayed up so late thinking about everything like always. Why am I so weird ? I want to be normal. Ughhhh and now I have to go to the stupid gym. I hate it so much I don’t even know why I go ? I can never change my ugly face in the gym. Stop pitying yourself and grow up! And I have work!! I hate my job I should just quit nobody I work with likes me. I must be so annoying to them. I’m so annoying to me so how can they put up with me ? I can’t stop thinking about the first blog I wrote last night. I am such a loser why would anyone want to read it ? Here you go again, give over with the self pity. Well, I better go to the gym so I can get back to go to work. I don’t have the energy to leave my bed right now but 5 more minutes might help ….
Shit I’m late for work I fell back asleep.