How Childhood Caused My Anxiety

  
When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated. 

I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”

Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child. 

My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.

So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents. 

I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.

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Take The Good With The Bad

I hear the saying “take the good with the bad” a lot of the time where I work. I work in a Bookies and believe me there can be a lot of good and bad in that place! But I heard it today and it got me thinking that sometimes that’s actually how my brain works. 

The Good

I can be the most reasonable and understanding person you will ever meet. I accept everybody for who they are because you know, that’s who they are. I’m passionate about everything I do. For example I hate my job but I’m bloody well good at it! I will always put in 100% and go that extra mile for customers and my colleagues. I will love you until there is no more love in me left to give. Love is so powerful and I believe there is nothing wrong with giving as much of it as I can when I can. You can trust me with anything. I’m loyal. I’m selfless. I am a very good listener. I get excited helping people, it’s what gives me the will to keep on pushing myself to my career (psychologist). But then with all this good there is a lot of bad.

The Bad

Sometimes, I can be very clingy to the point where it’s annoying. I am constantly afraid people are going to leave me that’s why I get like that which further more pushes people away. I don’t trust ANYBODY. I can’t. It’s not in me to trust people. I talk too much when I get nervous which leads me to getting a little light headed. I am too independent which makes it hard for me in relationships. I constantly beat myself up over not following my dreams. I will get there but I can’t help but make myself feel bad for not being there already. I need routine. If I’m slightly late or things are not going to plan I will start to freak out. I can’t be alone at night like literally cannot sleep because I think somebody is in my house trying to murder me. 

In life, we have no choice to take the good with the bad which of course isn’t a bad thing but I sometimes think to myself what if the good stops coming ? To which I mean the good thoughts. What if I only start to think bad ? Does anybody else ever feel this way ?