First of all, let me just apologise for not writing the past while. To be honest, things have been really good and I find it so hard to write when I'm not feeling down because my emotions and thoughts are actually stable for once. I've gotten some really good news recently and let's just say I have been on a high ever since. All will be revealed in the coming weeks, I promise!
So, today after having some time alone I decided to come on here and explain why I haven't been writing and while I was thinking, I had this thought. This good feeling won't last forever. Which isn't a bad thing, nobody is happy all of the time but it got me thinking that nothing actually lasts forever. Instead of sitting here thinking about how my good feelings won't last I thought to myself how quickly I got over my bad feeling when I was down for a few days and felt so alone. When we go through them times of darkness it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel (I know, such a cliché thing to say) but we always pull through. Within a couple of days I went from being in a bad mood, anxious and depressed to this unbelievable feeling of love and support. I always give out about my parents and how they never supported me but I should be focusing on the people that do! My brother, sister, best friend and partner have all been there for me for so long but when I was down I couldn't focus on the good people in my life only the bad.
What I'm trying to say is when we are going through those times where our anxiety is at a high or we feel guilty remember those people who love you exactly the way you are. Those times when you feel alone and replay conversations in your head and get embarrassed or even just feel like a bad person, remember those people who are by your side and there's a reason for it. These people have supported you for so long and sometimes you wonder why? Its because people can see the amazing person you are and know that you have been with them through thick and thin and that's just the type of people we are. We can be the best advice givers in the world even if we won't follow our own. We sit and listen because we want people to do the same. We put others before ourselves because we want that in return. We love with all our hearts and it's because we are waiting to find that someone that will love us the very same way. Love us through our hard days and our good ones.
Stop focusing on those who left us and remember the ones who are still here with open arms every time we feel alone.
Again, sorry for not posting I will try post at least once a week!
Every time I look in the mirror I have so many self destructive thoughts. I wonder what people see in me and is it as bad as what I see? Yet, people tell me I have so much positive energy about me, I’m so outgoing and full of confidence and it’s what gives me the strength to keep on going. It makes me realise people don’t see the horrible things I see but when they say such nice things I feel like there describing somebody else.
I always feel like I’m not good enough and I know I’m not the only one that feels that way and do you know what ? That’s not true! I feel like I’m not good enough in my job, in my relationship, to my best friend and my closest family but why ? Nobody has ever given me reasons to feel this way and that’s why we need to remember: it’s all in our minds. Our mind can do some crazy things which involves spiraling off into some made up stories that WE make up and then we can’t help but think they are true. There can be times that I want to just stay at home all day and read and if someone asks me to do something I jump up and do it because I don’t want to deal with the guilt of letting them down and not being good enough of a person for them. How crazy is that ? Our happiness is in our hands yet we place it somebody else’s hands time after time.
We are prisoners of our own minds constantly telling us we are useless and no good but we need to stop for a minute and think. We are interesting, caring, and sometimes overly loving human beings and what the hell is wrong with that ? We are the most accepting non judgemental characters on this earth and we are beautiful. Our crazy minds and irrational made up stories we tend to believe is just something that makes us that little bit different and who said being different was boring ? Nobody ever. Love yourself always because sometimes we are too good not just good enough.
When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated.
I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”
Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child.
My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.
So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents.
I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.
I hear the saying “take the good with the bad” a lot of the time where I work. I work in a Bookies and believe me there can be a lot of good and bad in that place! But I heard it today and it got me thinking that sometimes that’s actually how my brain works.
I can be the most reasonable and understanding person you will ever meet. I accept everybody for who they are because you know, that’s who they are. I’m passionate about everything I do. For example I hate my job but I’m bloody well good at it! I will always put in 100% and go that extra mile for customers and my colleagues. I will love you until there is no more love in me left to give. Love is so powerful and I believe there is nothing wrong with giving as much of it as I can when I can. You can trust me with anything. I’m loyal. I’m selfless. I am a very good listener. I get excited helping people, it’s what gives me the will to keep on pushing myself to my career (psychologist). But then with all this good there is a lot of bad.
Sometimes, I can be very clingy to the point where it’s annoying. I am constantly afraid people are going to leave me that’s why I get like that which further more pushes people away. I don’t trust ANYBODY. I can’t. It’s not in me to trust people. I talk too much when I get nervous which leads me to getting a little light headed. I am too independent which makes it hard for me in relationships. I constantly beat myself up over not following my dreams. I will get there but I can’t help but make myself feel bad for not being there already. I need routine. If I’m slightly late or things are not going to plan I will start to freak out. I can’t be alone at night like literally cannot sleep because I think somebody is in my house trying to murder me.
In life, we have no choice to take the good with the bad which of course isn’t a bad thing but I sometimes think to myself what if the good stops coming ? To which I mean the good thoughts. What if I only start to think bad ? Does anybody else ever feel this way ?