She’s Just A FriendĀ 

Is she though ? Then why do I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart every time you mention her name. Should your partners “friends” make you feel that way ? Or am I just being paranoid? I can have different opinions on this friend on different days depending on how I’m feeling. A good day can go a little like this…

On a good day

She’s a nice girl and he really likes her. I wonder would we get along ? Maybe not she’s a lot older than me but looks well for her age. I hope I can care about myself at that age. She seems to really like him as a friend too they talk a lot and she is always asking him for favours as friends do. He has told me stories about her telling lies to her husband but that doesn’t mean she’s unfaithful or would consider being unfaithful. I don’t like liars so I hope she isn’t telling him lies. He said they are going out for a work night out soon. I hope he has a good time. Last time they went out he stayed out until 6am. He never does that with me. He must of been enjoying himself. 

But when I’m on a bad day my thoughts don’t go quite as simple as that….

On a bad day

That bitch! She has him wrapped around her little finger he will do whatever she asks! She’s not even that nice. She tells LIES to her own husband how could she be nice ? All she wants is attention from other men and that’s it! He said there going on a “work” night out. Last time they went out he wasn’t home till all hours of the morning. He would never stay out that late with me. I must be boring to him. She better keep away he’s with me not her!

How can one person make you feel this way ? Keep in mind, I have met this woman and been on nights out with her and him. On one occasion she lost her coat and said she would kill him if he didn’t have it. Is it his job to carry her things for her ? To my disappointment he did have her coat. He minded her coat when he didn’t think twice about checking on me because on that same night he left me sitting alone while he went to look for his work friends which is her. He also said something that really gets me every time I replay it in my head, “she’s the only friend I have right now” well what am I ?? You might think I’m nuts but it hurts. Writing this right now is hurting. But why ? 

 She’s just a friend.

How Childhood Caused My Anxiety

  
When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated. 

I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”

Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child. 

My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.

So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents. 

I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.