Every time I look in the mirror I have so many self destructive thoughts. I wonder what people see in me and is it as bad as what I see? Yet, people tell me I have so much positive energy about me, I’m so outgoing and full of confidence and it’s what gives me the strength to keep on going. It makes me realise people don’t see the horrible things I see but when they say such nice things I feel like there describing somebody else.
I always feel like I’m not good enough and I know I’m not the only one that feels that way and do you know what ? That’s not true! I feel like I’m not good enough in my job, in my relationship, to my best friend and my closest family but why ? Nobody has ever given me reasons to feel this way and that’s why we need to remember: it’s all in our minds. Our mind can do some crazy things which involves spiraling off into some made up stories that WE make up and then we can’t help but think they are true. There can be times that I want to just stay at home all day and read and if someone asks me to do something I jump up and do it because I don’t want to deal with the guilt of letting them down and not being good enough of a person for them. How crazy is that ? Our happiness is in our hands yet we place it somebody else’s hands time after time.
We are prisoners of our own minds constantly telling us we are useless and no good but we need to stop for a minute and think. We are interesting, caring, and sometimes overly loving human beings and what the hell is wrong with that ? We are the most accepting non judgemental characters on this earth and we are beautiful. Our crazy minds and irrational made up stories we tend to believe is just something that makes us that little bit different and who said being different was boring ? Nobody ever. Love yourself always because sometimes we are too good not just good enough.
Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a firm believer of everything happens for a reason. To be honest, I think I use it as a coping mechanism. I believe that, I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now in life even if I’m not happy right now at the moment, I know this is the way it’s supposed to be. I think if my parents didn’t treat me the way they did I wouldn’t be such a strong headed person. There are so many small decisions we make in life that can turn our whole world around and it’s all about taking risks and sometimes, making mistakes.
As you all know, I suffer with anxiety and I genuinely think it’s to make me better as a person. If I didn’t suffer with this, I wouldn’t have such a passion for psychology, I wouldn’t be so curious as to why my mind is the way it is. I want to help other people overcome this as I battle it myself. If I had kind, loving and supportive parents, I think I wouldn’t suffer with anxiety and I would be completely opposite to the way I am now. I have been let down so many times in life by people and it has only made me stronger. Yes, I have put up a wall that people would rather avoid than break down and see what is behind that wall which is me. I’m behind that wall, the real me who has nothing but love to give but in saying that, the wall has stopped the wrong people from entering my life and tearing me down even more than my parents already have.
If you ever question why you are going through a situation in life, why that person won’t text you back or why you feel let down all the time just remember it’s for a reason. The reason will be clear to you eventually but don’t ever feel like these things just happen because your a bad person, because your not! They are life lessons that will only teach us in the end. Everybody is on their own journey in life and horrible things are happening to all of us but in the end you will see the reason because there always is one.
Is she though ? Then why do I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart every time you mention her name. Should your partners “friends” make you feel that way ? Or am I just being paranoid? I can have different opinions on this friend on different days depending on how I’m feeling. A good day can go a little like this…
On a good day
She’s a nice girl and he really likes her. I wonder would we get along ? Maybe not she’s a lot older than me but looks well for her age. I hope I can care about myself at that age. She seems to really like him as a friend too they talk a lot and she is always asking him for favours as friends do. He has told me stories about her telling lies to her husband but that doesn’t mean she’s unfaithful or would consider being unfaithful. I don’t like liars so I hope she isn’t telling him lies. He said they are going out for a work night out soon. I hope he has a good time. Last time they went out he stayed out until 6am. He never does that with me. He must of been enjoying himself.
But when I’m on a bad day my thoughts don’t go quite as simple as that….
On a bad day
That bitch! She has him wrapped around her little finger he will do whatever she asks! She’s not even that nice. She tells LIES to her own husband how could she be nice ? All she wants is attention from other men and that’s it! He said there going on a “work” night out. Last time they went out he wasn’t home till all hours of the morning. He would never stay out that late with me. I must be boring to him. She better keep away he’s with me not her!
How can one person make you feel this way ? Keep in mind, I have met this woman and been on nights out with her and him. On one occasion she lost her coat and said she would kill him if he didn’t have it. Is it his job to carry her things for her ? To my disappointment he did have her coat. He minded her coat when he didn’t think twice about checking on me because on that same night he left me sitting alone while he went to look for his work friends which is her. He also said something that really gets me every time I replay it in my head, “she’s the only friend I have right now” well what am I ?? You might think I’m nuts but it hurts. Writing this right now is hurting. But why ?
She’s just a friend.
When I think back to when I was younger and how I was brought up I think I could have only went two ways. One being who I am today and doing everything in spite of how I was treated and two hating the world and doing bad things because of the way I was treated.
I don’t have very nice memories of my mam or dad which maybe I could share a little later but right now I’m focusing on the present and why I am who I am. I have a good head on my shoulders which I think could be down to my older brother and sister to be honest. They have thought me to never give up even when it gets hard like life usually does. I can’t help but think of it wasn’t for them “what if I went down the other path in life?”
Many people who are children of neglect tend to use that as an excuse to be a bad person. Basically, I could of done bad in school and people would have automatically blamed my parents, as people do but I knew right from wrong like everyone else. I also could be rude, selfish and greedy but instead I’m not. I choose to be loving, caring and helpful because it was all I ever wanted to be shown as a child.
My anxiety is all part of the way I was brought up and for once I’m okay with that. Loud noises, dark nights and being alone all bring me back to when I was young and that is when I feel it right in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of expecting something bad to happen because when I was young it usually would. Screaming, banging and loud music is what I would hear whilst I hid under the covers with my hands over my ears. A child of alcoholic parents is what gives me that anxiety that I don’t think will ever leave me.
So, even though I have anxiety and sometimes it can be quite overwhelming just doing an everyday task I often think what I could have been? I could have followed in my parents footsteps like many children unfortunately do. I could get myself into toxic relationships with men exactly like my father but I don’t. If anything I am the way I am in spite of my parents.
I’m sometimes afraid to think because I don’t know where my thoughts might bring me. On a good day, I will think about my childhood and smile and say to myself “I am a good person now and always will be. My parents don’t define me” But when it’s a bad day and my anxiety is high il think back and hate everything about my life. Il think about one time 5 or 6 years ago when I was drunk and hate myself so much for it because I remind myself of them. Even now I have made the decision to not drink as often as I’d like to in fear of that dreaded feeling of being anything like them. Even though I am NOTHING like them.
I hear the saying “take the good with the bad” a lot of the time where I work. I work in a Bookies and believe me there can be a lot of good and bad in that place! But I heard it today and it got me thinking that sometimes that’s actually how my brain works.
I can be the most reasonable and understanding person you will ever meet. I accept everybody for who they are because you know, that’s who they are. I’m passionate about everything I do. For example I hate my job but I’m bloody well good at it! I will always put in 100% and go that extra mile for customers and my colleagues. I will love you until there is no more love in me left to give. Love is so powerful and I believe there is nothing wrong with giving as much of it as I can when I can. You can trust me with anything. I’m loyal. I’m selfless. I am a very good listener. I get excited helping people, it’s what gives me the will to keep on pushing myself to my career (psychologist). But then with all this good there is a lot of bad.
Sometimes, I can be very clingy to the point where it’s annoying. I am constantly afraid people are going to leave me that’s why I get like that which further more pushes people away. I don’t trust ANYBODY. I can’t. It’s not in me to trust people. I talk too much when I get nervous which leads me to getting a little light headed. I am too independent which makes it hard for me in relationships. I constantly beat myself up over not following my dreams. I will get there but I can’t help but make myself feel bad for not being there already. I need routine. If I’m slightly late or things are not going to plan I will start to freak out. I can’t be alone at night like literally cannot sleep because I think somebody is in my house trying to murder me.
In life, we have no choice to take the good with the bad which of course isn’t a bad thing but I sometimes think to myself what if the good stops coming ? To which I mean the good thoughts. What if I only start to think bad ? Does anybody else ever feel this way ?
Today was another one of those days that I fought with myself over why I should get out of the bed. I wanted to start this blog so people like me know they are not alone when it comes to that daily struggle of just living. That constant nervous feeling you get when you leave your house wondering “did I turn the cooker off” “is everything locked” and the classic “oh shit I definitely left the iron plugged in”. I have been on route to work and have turned back to make sure everything is off.
I was hoping to start this blog as a diary of someone who deals with anxiety every single day. I know that there is so many people out there who can relate.
Anyways enough babbling, this morning went a little like this…
Wow I’m so tired. Why did I stay up so late ? Anyway better get up and go the gym, kickstart the day with some excecise. I use excercise as an escape from everything so I try go as much as I can. Trust me it helps. Oh I just remembered I have work today 😩 better make the gym quick and get back to get ready. I HATE being late to anything. Least I get to see my friends in work so it’s not all bad. I’m so excited because I finally wrote my first blog last night. I’m actually really proud of myself. I never thought I would do it! I better leave the more time in the gym the better.
Oh my god I am so tired! I stayed up so late thinking about everything like always. Why am I so weird ? I want to be normal. Ughhhh and now I have to go to the stupid gym. I hate it so much I don’t even know why I go ? I can never change my ugly face in the gym. Stop pitying yourself and grow up! And I have work!! I hate my job I should just quit nobody I work with likes me. I must be so annoying to them. I’m so annoying to me so how can they put up with me ? I can’t stop thinking about the first blog I wrote last night. I am such a loser why would anyone want to read it ? Here you go again, give over with the self pity. Well, I better go to the gym so I can get back to go to work. I don’t have the energy to leave my bed right now but 5 more minutes might help ….
Shit I’m late for work I fell back asleep.